Allowing God to Reconnect Us

Lately, particularly since the deaths of my mothers, I have given a great deal ofthought to the connections I have with family, church family, colleagues, and friends. The loss of loved ones will do that to you. 

In the midst of this wonderful life that I have, there are moments when I feel lonely. It has always been so; for I can remember a particular incident when I was in my early twenties. I had broken up with a long time boyfriend, my job was not all that fun, I had stopped going to church and I found myself drifting down a lazy river into a big blue funk!
I had little clue in those days as to what "event" depression is and found myself adrift more each day!

Late one afternoon, drowning in this river of loneliness, I decided that the only thing to do was to pack up my things, leave my job and family and friends, and head off to a new place where I could start over. As I packed up, all I could do was dwell on how terrible it felt to be lonely and have that loneliness noticed by no one.

I had packed my last box and was preparing to pack up my Datsun station wagon when there came a knock at the door of my State Street apartment. When I opened the door, there stood a newer friend who had been one of my professors in college. He and his wife often had me over to dinner; in fact, I had met my latest boyfriend through them. That said, before that day, he and his wife had never stopped in at my apartment to visit without calling.

As he came into my apartment, he took one look at the boxes which held the contents of my life, and, without ever mentioning them, said, "Marianne and I wanted to invite you to come over to dinner this evening. We know it's short notice but we hope you can join us."

Our Family Remembers Andrew Flowers Barnett, Jr. - Funeral Naming October 13, 2018

There are days that are made for pulling out the cherished family photos

and letting the and the stories that accompany them come to the surface.

Memories of home, family, and belonging.

Today is such a day as we celebrate the life of Andrew Flowers Barnett, Jr., son, husband, father, father-in-law, grandfather, great grandfather,   Dad, friend, neighbor, advocate.

To know my father-in-law was to know his story for he told it with great detail and humor and – at times – song; a story often supported by statistical information he had gleaned from the professional magazines and journals he consumed. Whatever point he was attempting to make usually included the words “Statistics show.”

While his story is way too large to share in its entirety, it is filled with smaller narratives shaped hugely by family and friends, faith, and the Navy.

Dad’s story began on the Outer Banks of North Carolina where he was born to Andrew and Nellie Barnett. His childhood was idyllic in many ways filled with fond memories of spending time with family and friends: playing in the dunes and water with his brother, his friends, and his dog Jack, fishing, going to school and church. Often he would go with his Dad on Ocracoke Island and to other stations while he performed his Coast Guard duties.

His mother was determined that her sons Andrew and Sigma would get a really solid education so the family moved off of the Outer Banks to Elizabeth City. There Andrew devoured the books in the library, endeared himself to the librarian, and began a lifetime habit of reading voraciously – though seldom ever reading the same book twice.

After he graduated from high school, Dad attracted the attention of an accountant in town and went to work for him. It soon became clear that he was adept at all the skills necessary to be an accountant.

It was in Elizabeth City that his Dad took him along for a visit to the home of Ray and Irene Hayman. While he didn’t meet their daughter Betty Lee at that time, eventually they would through Dad’s friendship with her brother Ray; and, in 1948, he married the loved of his life!

Dad decided not to make a career in accounting and instead chose to join the Coast Guard. However, there was a hitch. The Coast Guard did not provide housing for married enlisted personnel; so he joined the Navy!

After undergoing training up on the Great Lakes, he was recognized as the sailor most likely to succeed! And I think it is safe to say that he did!

As first Mark and then Sharon came along, Dad and Mom were working together, studying hard together, to get Dad into Officers Candidate School and then to the Supply Corps School. Even as they did, they built a home and family wherever they were out of an abiding love that bound them together.

No more was this made clear than when Dad served on the Kennedy.

The family received word that there was a terrible collision with the Belknap. When the Kennedy returned from that deployment, Mom, Mark, and Sharon were waiting as the ship docked. When they spotted Dad up on the bridge of the ship, they called out to him. He didn’t see them. So they whooped and hollered and waved until he finally did. The look on his face was priceless. And Mark noted that he would never forget how his Dad’s face lit up at the sight of his family.

From birth to now, Mark and Sharon have been the apple of Dad’s eye –

who he never failed to tell or demonstrate that he loved them. In fact,    “I love you” were his last words to them. The faithful father, who suffered from dementia, not only recognized his children as he neared the end of his life but from somewhere deep inside himself wanted them to hear just one more time of his love for them. What a gracious gift!

As Mark and Sharon married and had children, Dad grew into the role of grandfather, connecting to each uniquely.

When Shelly was in middle school, her grandparents went with her and the German club on a trip to Europe. One of the places they visited was Paris. Shelly was really interested in impressionist art then and wanted to see all the museums that had impressionist exhibits, especially of Monet. Granddaddy really didn’t get this and said he thought that all the paintings looked fuzzy and amateurish. However, he listened to Shelly talk on and on about them and was very receptive to learning about them. In fact, he claimed to really appreciate impressionist art by the time their trip was over. That Christmas he gave Shelly a book of Monet paintings and wrote the sweetest message in it about memories from their European trip. Shelly still has it on her bookshelf.

When Matt was eight years old and their family was living with the  grandparents at their Tanglewood home, he stayed in the study where he was terrified of the washer and dryer that were in room next door,  and couldn’t sleep. Andrew came down and found Matt crying. Matt told him what was wrong and granddad asked him what he thought the noise was. Matt replied that he didn’t know but he was scared. Granddad opened the doors and showed him how the machines worked and why they made the noises they did. He then told Matt never to fear the  unknown; to investigate what it is; learn how it works; learn how to beat it if need be; and then – if he was still scared – to run as fast as he could!

Jessica remembers a time during her college years when, at the end of one summer, she came down to VA Beach to stay with the grandparents

for a week or so before Mark and I were coming. Her car was loaded with all the stuff she was taking back to school and her cat Simba who was coming to the grandparents condo for the first time! The trip went well until she was on the bridge between tunnels and had a flat tire. Somewhat panicked, she called g’dad who called the bridge police to let them know what had happened. Then he came to where she was, hugged her, and made her feel that all was well. That would be the same trip in which Simba jumped up on grandmother’s writing desk and put a long scratch in it, which didn’t please her. But when granddad heard about it, he simply chuckled and, sticking up for his granddaughter’s cat, called Simba “a fine gentleman,” making grandmother and us laugh; quickly working to make a not so good situation better.

Meredith’s fondest memories of her granddad come from all the birthdays they have celebrated together. Not many people get to share a birthday with someone in their family so she has always considered it something very special. Although they enjoyed separate cakes – she being a chocolate gal and granddad enjoying his apple jelly cake – they always celebrated together another year of life. Meredith says that although this next year will be her first birthday without Da, she will never really be celebrating alone. She knows he will still be celebrating with her in his heavenly home.

Great granddaughter Maddy spoke to me of how kind her great grandfather Da was and remembers seeing him on his birthday last Sunday when he opened his eyes a little and she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

Great granddaughter Margot remembers dancing with Da at the Hawaiian luau party at the Memory Center in June.

They were also involved in a “mock wedding” sometime in June in which Dad was the “groom.”

Great grandson Andy – well, the name says it all about his connection with his great grandfather that he will have all his life.

As each of us pulls out the old photos and memories of Andrew Barnett that touch our hearts, there are stories and smiles attached! Stories of weddings and births and baptisms and vacations and family life and wisdom.

When Mark and I were married, Dad gave us this advice: “Talk to each other and have a good sense of humor.” It is wisdom I have shared with every couple for whom I have officiated at their wedding. Not only did Dad impart that wisdom to us, after our wedding, as we were leaving for our honeymoon on the Outer Banks, Dad handed us a “note” filled with things to do and places to go – during our honeymoon!!

As Michael helped to care for Dad especially after he had gotten sicker,   

lovingly sitting with him for his meals among other things, he was the recipient of Dad’s appreciation and love, a mutual admiration.

While there are many more old photographs that elicit many more stories that could be told, I share just one more that Dad often told. When Dad’s memory loss began to be evident, he started retelling his Navy stories. One in particular stands out as he makes the transition to his heavenly home.

When he was the supply officer of the USS John F Kennedy aircraft carrier, he was summoned by the Captain who told him that the Navy had granted permission for a burial at sea for a veteran. The Captain told Dad he wanted him to design and conduct it. Dad had no idea what the procedure was for such a burial or how such a service would be conducted. And he said as much to his commanding officer who responded “You’ll come up with something.” Dad’s mind went into high gear! He cornered the commanding officer of the Marine detachment and told him that he needed his help for a funeral. Not believing what he had heard, the officer asked: “A funeral?” Dad told him that he needed Marines in full dress blues for an honor guard for a veteran. And he asked if he could swing it. The officer said, “Sure.”

Dad arranged for a Chaplain to conduct the burial itself. He arranged for the elevator to be set up for a funeral. The day came. The command went throughout the ship: “Stand by for burial at sea!” The great ship went silent and the sea grew still as the Kennedy glided to a halt. The honor guard lined both sides of the weighted casket covered by the flag of the United States. Prayers were said…scriptures were read…salutes were rendered. The casket was released over the side. At that, the command went throughout the ship: “Dismissed from burial at sea!” From deep inside the Kennedy, the engines came to life; the water started to churn; and the normal life of the ship resumed.

Dad’s tour of duty on earth has ended. We believe that he is in his heavenly home with Mom and all the family who have gone before him – a heavenly home not made with hands but eternal in the heavens; feasting at the banquet where Jesus Christ is the host.

In the words of Robert Louis Stevenson, (from his Requiem): “Home is the sailor, home from the sea.”

Note: The benediction used later in the funeral service was: “Home is the sailor; home from the sea. In the name of Jesus Christ, you are dismissed. Go in peace.”